If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Anyone want a chair?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.