If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.