@senorwinces: If you watch Intervention backwards, it's about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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@UnFitz: A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle. Did I just say that out loud?
@AndyAsAdjective: After months of trying, I finally have a runner's body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: I think I’m going into labor! Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
@jergarl: Me: *breaks down door Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING? M: HOME INVASION! W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex. M: Soooooo W: No