When can I start eating bats again.
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Dammit Chief not again
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo