If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
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January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
The fall of Netflix
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
If I ignore life will it go away?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms