I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
You Might Also Like
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.