I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
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In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
😂💯
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?