If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
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I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters