If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs