If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.