If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money