Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.