To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
You Might Also Like
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.