I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.