Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m confused about plants
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
i will not be silenced
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.