Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.