me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks