If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
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The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?