If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Flock of bats
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.