If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
oh shit
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
incredible text to wake up to
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Gemma Correll
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???