If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
sugar glider wrangler
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok