if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
#damn
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Lassie, get help!
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it