if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”