If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.