If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
🙅🏻
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!