if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My blood type is b hungry.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.