All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
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The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.