If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.