If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.