It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
January has been Januweary
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time