[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
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[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Sponch
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it