if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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a
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“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.