If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
You Might Also Like
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.