If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”