Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
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Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar