New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My Sentiments Exactly
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.