I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.