@combatacademysd: To me, being Single means never having to apologize.. Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

@zaktoscani: Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

@DaddyJew: I'll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese "So you want a cheeseburger?" Yes but when you bring it to me say here's your salad

@Cool_Jesse: NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

@yenniwhite: Me: Can you remember life before Amazon? Husband: Yes. We had more money.