@DanorSlim: If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.
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@biggarf: I wasn't good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I'm starting to look good eh?
@bobvulfov: Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? "hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i'm down with what ur saying"
@withanewname: Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.