@murrman5: [furious with son] wife: what happened? me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish [son from room] yolo isn't spanish me: ya see

@HairyJew4Life: Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

@KentWGraham: Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

@ThatBrenna: People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it's difficult to drive.

@jennandoah: Stick it to the man