@DanorSlim: If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.
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@murrman5: [furious with son] wife: what happened? me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish [son from room] yolo isn't spanish me: ya see
@HairyJew4Life: Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
@KentWGraham: Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
@ThatBrenna: People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it's difficult to drive.