@DanorSlim: If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.
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@genepompa: Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
@jazmasta: Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there'll only be 2 "hits"; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.
@bourgeoisalien: When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
@KamaroPayne: Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.