If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
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Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.