nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.