If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
what kind of cook setting is this??
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.