If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Worst perfume name ever.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk