“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP