“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block