@PLATINUM2000: If you were a tree you'd be a bonsai, and if you were mine you'd be dead by now.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
@leechee420: Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
@PhuckinCody: BANK ROBBER: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!! ME: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no