@PLATINUM2000: If you were a tree you'd be a bonsai, and if you were mine you'd be dead by now.
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@thenatewolf: HER: it's so romantic when the power goes out ME: listen if we don't eat all this ground beef we'll have to throw it out
@batkaren: I lovingly caress my belly. "You're expecting?" a woman asks. I smile serenely. "Just ate an amazing burrito," I tell her.
@SamuelHLowe: Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
@chaseisangry: Concept: The Purge but it's 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want "Do u have a bathroom?" "No we shit outside like bears"