If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Huge, if true.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.