If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
This sounds bad:
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait