I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
i- i did not expect this
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
fired
why I oughta
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?