How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.