If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
A bold strategy
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store