@ibid78: If you whisper, "we're being watched," you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.
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@DavidAndRobShow: Bae: come over. Me: I'm doing the podcast. Bae: come over. Me: nah, I'm doin the podcast. Bae: my parents are out. Me: they can download it.
@NicestHippo: "Your evolutionary biology thesis is rejected." Why? "You added (lmao) every time you mentioned Homo Erectus."
@Deirdreocx: [Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.