I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
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My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!