@Stellacopter: If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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@ericsshadow: [guy who just got out of prison on a technicality] "what were you in for?" murder, a guy... a guy... "spit it out man" a guy, interrupted me
@CornerPubRon: After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
@RuinMyWeek: If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it's that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.