If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I can also cook 😂
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Does this dress make me look cat?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk